Ok. After much props from friends and readers I have been told/forced to post this note I wrote on Facebook.
I was going to wait a few weeks to ease you, the reader, into my style of writing. But apparently, according to more than one friend, I should share this on the basis that it is "fucking funny".
Blame friends. (Thanks Dave & Brett.)
I think it's time to address something that is on a lot of people's minds. Not just as staff members; we've all seen that one guy at the bar making a fool of himself for whatever reason. Here is a list of things to take note of to ensure prompt, friendly service (and maybe even a free shot!)
1. First of all (and I can't stress this enough): Wait your God-damn turn. Whistling, shouting "Hey!" repeatedly, banging on the bar, throwing ice. I've seen all of these, and I'll tell you this for free: They will be waiting until the very last customer has left their money with the bartender. It's rude, and counter-productive.
2. If you order a Grey Goose and red bull, or any other top shelf spirit with, say, Coke, then it's not your imagination. The staff are laughing at you.
3. Please don't come to the bar with a handful of "shrapnel" (that is, dimes, nickels and pennies.) Most bars won't accept anything less than quarters anyway, within reason. And it'll save you a lot of embarrassment when, again, he laughs at you.
3a. $39.75. Thanks for your quarter change, douchebag.
4. Guys: I know it's unfair, but the bottom line is that girls have boobs, and will sometimes release them on the crowds or make out with each other. That's why they get served first. All I can say is try and enjoy the show.
5. Unless you know the head bouncer/bartender/manager by name AND can point them out in a crowd, don't name drop; chances are, if you ask if "Bob" is working tonight, you're asking Bob.
6. Most bars have specials. They are displayed prominently so that you as the patron can make an informed decision. Don't ask the bartender what they are. You may as well have an "IDIOT" sign around your neck.
7. Yes, I know the economy is bad. That's why we're all working harder, and that's why we still party, to escape the everyday struggle. When you smuggle in your own liquor to save money, however, youre slapping me in the face. I work hard for my tip-out, which is based on sales. Plus (and this is the kicker) someone WILL catch you, in which case you've just bought me half a mickey of Morgan's Spiced Rum. (That's another point: if any staff tell you your booze is thrown away, they're lying.) And folks, if your flask has that much sentimental value to you, don't smuggle it in where the staff will confiscate it. That's just an early Christmas present.
8. Servers are pretty; hell, that's why theyre hired. It makes it less painful when you part ith your cash. However, just because the girls walking around with trays have their boobs out does not give you the right to grope them. It's not a lapdance fellas, and these girls are like sisters to us. (Imagine us feeling up YOUR sister.) I don't care how big you are or how much money you've spent tonight. In some establishments it's likely you'll be escorted out the back doors... you know, where there's no cameras...
9. If the bartender says no to a freebie, or a deal, there's probably a good reason. S/he's out of promotional tab, or you've just been a dick all night. Hey, maybe they gave you a deal before and you didn't notice.
10. Don't ask me to get the bartender's attention. It pisses him off. He has a system, and if you're not in it, either get in it or go to someone else.
11. Sure, we're all the same: the drunker, the hornier. Not in that dark corner though, please. And no, not at the bar either, that's where the money comes in, see? Stay and drink, or leave and fuck.